BlawuGH NyumBAh TRae33

It was a dark and stormy night in Berlin, New Mexico.

A man with one leg and an eye patch stated “a storms a brewing” and a black cat shuffled across the scene.

At his small cottage grove, Jack Lelly was tending his garden, preparing it for the torrential downpour that was coming. As he warned his plants of the coming storm he was struck by large drops of rain, and quickly ran inside. As he went to his fireplace to kindle, his wife, weighing in at a whopping 320 pounds, at a height of 6’5”, Urethra “StrongWoman” Bertha, yelled at him to make her dinner. He ardently scrambled into the kitchen and got to work. Much time passed, and after Urethra had eaten six chickens and a ham, and Jack Lelly had gotten his dose of table scraps, she passed into a deep slumber her bed, making sure Jack knew that he was sleeping on the floor tonight, partly because she had gas, and partly because its HER bed. Jack went about cleaning the house, as rain dripped about and the fog outside created an eerie atmosphere, one that would be perfect for a horror story… just saying. He eventually plopped down in front of the fire, which had dimmed to a light glow, reminiscent of a sunset. He quickly dozed off after making sure there were no monsters under his bed. At first he thought it superfluous, but did it anyways, cause he was a pansy.

It was wet, damp, dark, and smelled of armpit and Jack quickly became awake. He was outside, just a few feet from his house, and as his eyes began to adjust to the lighting, he saw a large figure.

“Bertha?” He asked the figure. No response.

“I’m sorry, did I forget to clean your feet again?” No response.

He rubbed his eyes for some added clarity. As he opened them, there it was. His plants, all at least six feet tall, were bent over him, menacing at them with their leaves and branches.

“What the f—“ He was cut short as his petunias threw him across the street.

“What’s going on?” Somewhere a wolf cried boy, and the man in the moon winked.

“Were pissed god dammit!” Said the plants. “You forgot to cover us up, its effin’ cold out here!”

“I’m so sorry, please don’t hurt me!” Jack yelled, weeping all over his blouse the whole time.

“Nahh, we too real for all that.” The plants said. “But we are disappointed, you put so much more effort in to pleasing that wife of yours, so if you want your life to be spared, you will KILL HER.”

“NO! Anything but harming my beautiful Urethra!” Jack cried out. “My darling Urethra is such a huge part of my life, the way I tickle her awake in the morning, and wash her every night!"

“That was just plain gross.” The plants shuddered. “But seriously, kill her, or I’ll break you in half like twig.”

“Ok… I’ll do it. Just don’t hurt me, I’m too petite for all that.” Jack whimpered.

So he went into the kitchen, grabbed a knife and went into Urethra’s room. She was awake, and claimed that Jack was trying to kill her and quickly drop kicked him into the fire. The plants laughed, but were covered with concrete later that week to make room for Urethra’s new weightlifting station. THE END.

BLAUGH NUMBAH TUUUE

Michele Bachmann caught in torrential downpour, dies instantly

Late last Tuesday night, Michele Bachmann was taking a walk with the mayor of St. Paul, discussing their plans on strengthening their border security for 2012, between Minnesota and Canada, when it suddenly started to rain. Eyewitness’s told the press that she began to scream loudly, turned green, and then melted, only leaving a pile of clothes and surprisingly enough, a pointy black hat. Water in the area was quickly brought to a nearby hospital, but Michele could not be resurrected. Many of the Republican Parties major political leaders have made some comments on her passing, as well as some ideas as to why or who killed Senator Bachmann. Glenn Beck issued a statement soon after Bachmann’s passing, stating “The passing of Michele Bachmann is a truly sad subject, but I would like to bring light to a more pressing matter, finding the men who did this, namely Osama Bin Laden and his rag tag band of followers!” Sarah Palin could not be reached for comment, as she is still in critical condition after a house had fallen on her earlier in the month. Riot squads are still working diligently to quell the swarms of midgets who have been all over Alaska singing and dancing sense Mrs. Palin was hospitalized. The Democratic Party has been shunned from the media for their rash claiming that Bachmann was some kind of “Witch” and was linked to some super secret program or society of some kind called “O.Z.” Their national support has dwindled in the last couple weeks as reports of Obama supports have disappeared mysteriously and claims of “flying primates” have landed many others in insane asylums. So far only one arrest has been made, Hillary “Glinda” Clinton was arrested because of evidence linking her to the house that had fallen on Mrs. Palin, and also she is believed to have stolen a pair of shoes of Sarah Palin’s feet. She’s is currently being transported on Interstate “Yellow Brick” by top men, codenamed “Scarecrow” “Tin Man” and “Cowardly Lion” and is on her way to face the Wizard, oop I mean judge. The story will be developing for weeks to come and we will keep you posted, we swear on the Emerald City.

Bradley Morison, Senior Writer

blouhhg pawst numeero wone.

The clouds parted, and two men fell from the sky. They landed in car and began to race through the streets of LA, avoiding gunfire and thrown rocks. Labelled as bandits and misfits, it was them against the world. They bailed out of the car as it was sent flying off the edge of a massive cliff. As they drew their revolvers, they simultaneously made half court baskets at the staples center. These two can achieve the impossible, and for that they were hunted. They ran day and night from people, birds and bears, and the elements as we knew them. They became masters of the night, avoiding even the most potent of hunters. They snuck across the world, and one day came upon a mountain. The mountain had something special about it, and aura of sorts. So they climbed, and for days they climbed, hand over hand, inch by inch. Fighting storms and blizzards, eagles and hurricanes. They fought against the air, as it slowly got thinner and thinner, and themselves, as they craved giving up, but something propelled them farther. Then after what seemed like years, they reached a cloud. A familiar cloud, something they've seen before, so they climbed one more time, on top of the cloud. As they sat breathing loudly, one said to the other: "that was some adventure."

That was the most ridiculous thing i've ever wrote.